What are you most worried about right now?
The rocketing inflation that’s causing such financial heartache for millions of families across America?
The terrible war in Ukraine that’s led to such devastating misery for the poor people being terrorized by genocidal monster Vladimir Putin?
The deadly coronavirus pandemic still fueling so much death and torment?
Or perhaps you’re reeling in shock and fear from the horrifying attack on a Brooklyn subway?
There are so many things to be genuinely concerned about in our turbulent world.
But bottom of my list, perhaps even lower than that, is the state of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s broken marriage.
I can honestly say that the number of f–ks I give about this shamelessly deluded and self-obsessed pair of whiny wastrels could be written on the back of Mycoplasma genitalium, the planet’s smallest living organism and, appropriately, a parasitic bacterium that lives in our waste disposal organs.
As Depp and Heard’s latest legal battle kicks off in a Virginia court, we’re once again being forced to endure disgustingly ugly details of how much they hate each other and how horrendously they both behaved during a relationship that even by Hollywood standards was spectacularly awful.
Depp’s suing Heard for $50 million over a 2018 op-ed article she wrote in the Washington Post describing herself as a “public figure representing domestic abuse.”
She, in turn, is suing him for $100 million for being a liar.
And already, after just one day in what’s expected to be — God help us all — a three-week trial, their legal teams have hurled gigantic quantities of verbal excrement over the two protagonists.
Of course, we’ve already been through all this with their first court battle in London, where Depp lost a libel case against the Sun newspaper for calling him a wife-beater.
My main takeaway from that repellent orgy of relentlessly revolting mudslinging is that they’re mutually dreadful and should be avoided by future romantic suitors like a gazelle avoids a pride of ravenous lions.
The charge sheet of claims and counterclaims about their booze-sodden, drug-fueled fights featured partially severed fingers, “faked” or real bruises, hair-dragging, “disco bloodbaths,” vodka bottles thrown like grenades, phones being ripped off walls, names written in blood on mirrors, dogs dangled out of car windows, tampon applicators used to snort cocaine, accusations of affairs and threesomes with billionaires and other stars, kicking on planes, and constant foul-mouthed screaming at each other.
One night, Depp had a furious argument with Heard at their LA home after being told $750 million had disappeared from his finances, and someone — he says her, she says a dog — defecated on their bed.
This charming vignette was arguably the low point of their s–tty little marriage — though close to that were humiliating photos of a growling, drug-ravaged Depp slumped on the floor with ice cream dribbling between his legs.
I could go on, because there was so much more, and we’re now going to hear it regurgitated all over again this month, but I just can’t be bothered.
Why fuel this pathetic duo’s self-indulgent, attention-seeking bulls–t?
Suffice it to say, never in the field of show business marital conflict was so much abuse meted out by just two.
Depp and Heard hate each other with a passion that makes Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt look like an ad for loving harmony.
At the heart of this hatred lies one indisputable fact: They’re both supreme narcissists.
Literally.
In fact, medically and scientifically.
The Mayo Clinic identifies narcissistic personality disorder as a mental condition in which people “have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
Is there any better or more accurate way to describe Johnny Depp and Amber Heard?
Two Grand Canyon-size egos, used to getting their way, seemingly devoid of a single moment’s caring thought for their spouse, and united only by a penchant for abuse — mental and physical.
Now they’re both playing the victim at a time when there are millions of real victims suffering from war, a killer virus, and crippling rises in the cost of living.
They want us to reach into our hearts and feel sorry for two stinking rich, breathtakingly spoiled actors when mothers and babies are being bombed in maternity hospitals, refugees are being murdered by Russian rockets deliberately fired at them, and Holocaust survivors are being incinerated in their homes.
They want us to pity them as the US death toll from COVID-19 approaches 1 million people, as lines at American food banks reach record levels, and as New Yorkers are being attacked on their commute by deranged lunatics with guns and smoke grenades.
Well, forgive me if I decline that invitation.
I can’t think of anyone less deserving of my sympathy than this gruesome twosome trapped in their own pathetically delusional, horribly selfish, toddler-tantrum world.
“I feel so sorry for Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.”
Said absolutely nobody.
