- Like all partnerships, age-gap relationships come with challenges and compromises.
- A therapist in an 18-year age-gap marriage shared her tips for navigating these relationships.
- She said acknowledging how age makes you different is key to truly supporting each other.
Age-gap relationships often spark judgment from onlookers. But according to a therapist who is in an age-gap relationship of her own, they require the same commitment to communication as any other partnership.
Dr. Mindy DeSeta, 33, is a Miami-based licensed mental health counselor and sexologist who has an 18-year age gap with her husband, 51. She told Insider that in age-gap relationships, like all relationships, "you have all the very common pieces of communication" like actively listening to the other person, and accepting them for who they are rather than trying to change them.
However, relationships with big age gaps do have a few unique challenges. DeSeta shared the three tips to help couples in age-gap relationships thrive.
1. Acknowledge and accept your lifestyle differences
When it comes to age-gap relationships, DeSeta said one of her biggest pet peeves is the phrase "age is just a number." She thinks that mentality is rooted in denial.
"Typically, when you start an age-gap relationship, you won't see a lot of the challenges," she said. "You have the same interests, you're doing the same things — oftentimes, at the beginning, there's not a lot of difference."
A few years down the road, however, things may change.
While every relationship experiences bumps after the honeymoon period, DeSeta said those differences can sometimes be more pronounced in an age-gap relationship. The older person might have a previous family or deal with health issues. The younger person might be in a different career stage or want to go out more on weekends.
"Someone who is younger may not fully understand where the other person is because they haven't lived it yet," she said. Meanwhile, the older person might have to look back and ask themselves "Was I going through something similar at this age?"
Ultimately, it comes down to "really understanding where that person is mentally and physically," DeSeta said.
2. Offer support instead of control
As in any relationship, it's important to accept and support your partner's differences.
In age-gap relationships, DeSeta said that the younger partner should especially be aware of how independent they feel with the older partner.
For example, if they feel like they're giving up things they want — such as career goals or going out with friends on the weekends — to please an older partner, that's a sign they're not really being themselves in the relationship.
DeSeta said that instead of exerting control over the younger person, the older person in the relationship should be offering support.
One of the upsides of an older partner is they can potentially help you navigate the same pitfalls they went through when they were your age, DeSeta said, whether it's learning to ask for a raise or starting a business.
The older partner should really be "helping bring out the person who is younger — bring out their strengths, their independence, their autonomy, their career," she said.
3. Surround yourselves with nonjudgmental people
DeSeta said that people in age-gap relationships may need to prepare themselves to withstand the judgment of others, especially at the beginning of their relationship.
"I think you're going to get the most concern and the most judgment from family, especially if it's not common in that family," she said. "It's just like anything we would judge if we don't fully understand it."
She said that feeling judged or like you have to justify the relationship can create stress in the partnership.
Another obstacle is having very different friend groups due to your respective ages.
DeSeta said that her location makes her relationship easier because it's more common to see couples with age gaps in Miami, as well as have friends of different ages.
"I met my partner through our friend group — he was the oldest, I was probably on the younger end," she said. "But also living in a large city like Miami, you have friends that are fairly dispersed in age."
While it didn't stop DeSeta from initially internalizing what other people might think of her relationship, she said being in an accepting environment helped her slowly pay less attention to possible judgment. "As I've gotten older, I don't really question it," she said.
