- I met my husband when I was 23 years old, and he was 34.
- I had an instant crush on him, but our age gap worried me, and I didn't think it would work.
- But over time, it's proven to be a good thing. Now, we've been together for 20 years.
Our May-December romance began in 2003. We were both performing in a repertory theater in a converted basement where you could often hear the toilet flush during performances. He was performing in "The Fair Maid of the West", and I was in "Romeo and Juliet." The first time I saw him, he made a grand, hilarious entrance by literally rolling onto the stage. I thought, "Who is that handsome fool? I must know more…"
We met about a week later when a friend introduced us. I remembered seeing him onstage and was excited, but aside from saying "hello," he didn't give me the time of day. Even so, my crush on him didn't subside. Over the next two years, we continued to exchange hellos at various parties, or at the theater, until finally, at a cast party, we found ourselves huddled in a corner, completely smitten with one another, and he asked me out.
For our first official date, we went for ice cream. He told me about the 10 years he'd spent doing theater in another city, and it dawned on me that he might be older than I had initially assumed. I blurted out, "So how old are you?" He said, "34. How old are you?" After I steadied the ice cream I'd almost dropped in my lap, I said, "23." His smile evaporated as my heart sank. I think we both felt like it would never work. I needed more ice cream.
I didn't think my dad would love me dating an older guy, and I was worried we might not have that much in common. But we had a connection we couldn't deny, so we continued dating and getting to know each other. We were incredibly compatible, and it didn't take long for us to realize that we weren't concerned with other people's opinions. We didn't have to justify our relationship to anyone else if we were happy.
After a year, we moved in together. After six years, he proposed. This past September, we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary and 20 years together.
Our relationship taught me to value the experience that comes with age
My husband and I learned that our age gap was one of our greatest relationship strengths. At first, I didn't see the age difference as a benefit aside from the fact that it'd allowed him time to build up a larger savings account. But the things he'd already experienced and shared with me influenced some of the growth I went through during the first three or so years of our relationship.
His advice and support helped me navigate personal and professional situations I wouldn't have dared talk to anyone else about as a headstrong 20-something. It was like I had my own sexy Yoda. No man has ever received a greater compliment.
My experiences were just as valuable to him
He's solidly within the Gen X age range, and I'm on the cusp of the Gen X/millennial divide. I grew up using computers, and he was in college when they were just being made available to students. As our lives have shifted over the course of our marriage and his interests have moved away from acting toward carpentry and other crafts that don't require him to plaster on a forced smile for commercial auditions, I've helped him learn to use technology he wasn't proficient in.
I'd like to think I provided a safe space to help my partner learn and grow, even if that means he has sometimes asked me questions such as, "How do you tell the difference between a PDF and a JPEG?"
There's a double standard when dating with an age gap
Though initially, my husband was hesitant to date someone so young, I noticed the not-so-subtle high-fives his buddies gave him when they learned we were dating; he was doing his best Leonardo DiCaprio impression. I didn't mind when it was good-natured joshing because I agreed; he was lucky to be dating me. But I didn't love it when people insinuated that I was a conquest of his. Luckily, my husband didn't like those sorts of machismo comments either and shot them down before I had to. We were on the same page about the tired tropes in which older men who dated younger women had earned some sort of prize.
Meanwhile, none of my friends said, "Way to hook a grandpa!" But I did have one friend at work who was hesitant about me dating him. She asked, "What's wrong with this guy? Why isn't he dating women his own age?"
I understood where she was coming from; I was lucky to have a friend with a healthy dose of skepticism and a protective instinct. But as she got to know him, her tune changed, and she even coordinated our wedding. Most of my friends noticed he was there for me, behaved like a mature adult, and was emotionally ready to be a caring partner.
Now, we've spent 20 years together; he turned 55 on his most recent birthday, and at this point, no one cares about our age difference. Finally, it seems all that matters to others is what's always mattered most to us in the first place — that we are committed to one another and that we're in love.
We're managing life together and appreciate each other's strengths
Though we will always be a decade apart, maintaining our health and navigating aging has given us something in common. Things that used to separate us are now barely a blip on the radar. No longer do we butt heads over whether Journey or Nirvana is the better band; now, our mutual concerns are, "What's an umbrella policy?" and "How did a pillow send me to the chiropractor?"
We also have complementary strengths; I research things to death before deciding, and he makes choices without much fuss. Though we don't always see eye-to-eye about how to do things, we help each other through life, and see the positives in each other's approaches: His way works best for everyday decisions, such as picking a restaurant, and my way is great for choosing a mortgage. Because we've successfully navigated trivial and meaningful issues, we've discovered that the scary "adult" things we're now dealing with are more manageable.
Understanding that there are times when we will be in different places in life is inevitable. But we've learned how to help one another navigate these times. One thing we've always agreed on is that age is what you make of it.
