If you’d like to mentally escape the coronavirus headlines for ten minutes, I cannot speak more highly of Architectural Digest’s new video tour of actress Dakota Johnson’s sunny LA home. Trust me, it’s way better than Contagion.
As you may recall from the 50 Shades movies, Dakota Johnson has an extremely soothing voice. It never seems to rise above a deep whisper, and it’s impossible to imagine her ever yelling or being stressed. Everything she says just kind of glides off the tongue, as silky smooth as the bangs on her forehead. As soon as she opens the door, you feel immediately at home. (She’s also dressed in the perfect at-home outfit of a cropped white T-shirt, jeans, Gucci loafers, and an oversize blazer.) Welcome, she says.
Johnson is a first-time home owner, and she bought this place from director Ryan Murphy. She was attracted to its beautiful chill-ness, which seems to match her personality. She has a lemon and orange tree in her backyard, plus a heated pool that reflects light onto her ceiling at certain times of day. How nice, you think. “I love wood, and I love light, and windows, and greens,” she says. Which, same! Close your eyes. You are Dakota Johnson.
At first glance, this doesn’t seem like a famous person’s home. It’s not too flashy, or unnecessarily enormous. Johnson is very normal: she has a record collection she recently alphabetized and a dog named Zeppelin. She doesn’t really get any work done from her home office, she admits. She also has a collection of useless books, like Sex and the Constitution, and mushroom sculptures made of wax just because. “Oh Jesus, what a weird girl,” she says about herself with a laugh. So relatable!
But then she’ll do something like describe her vintage couch as “crushed mohair,” and you’re reminded that she is, in fact, a rich person. She also casually recalls her A-list lineage, pointing to a Polaroid on the wall of her godfather-figure Hunter S. Thompson, as well as a photograph of her grandmother “at her house in Shambhala with one of her tigers.”
Next, Johnson moves on to her crystal collection. “People tend to give crystals as gifts in L.A., and that’s great,” she explains. Hm. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never given or received a crystal — especially not one the size of a small child, which Johnson has in the corner of her home. But maybe I just need to move to L.A..
In addition to crystals, Johnson also collects limes. She thinks they’re great. She loves them! They are piled in every corner of her kitchen, which is painted green to match. This is quirky and on-brand, but also, kind of a rich person move. Decorative limes? Not on my grocery bill. But let’s pretend.
When Johnson moves outside (after refusing to show us her bedroom with a wink), reality comes more into focus. She points out what appears to be average table and chair set, but then she reveals that they’re made “from the wood of Winston Churchill’s yacht.” Oh, and they’re kind of useless, she says. You can’t really sit comfortably, but who cares. You’re Dakota Johnson!
Finally, Johnson gives us a tour of her grounds. She has a hot tub and a failed herb garden, as well as a plot for her dead cat, Chicken. She also has huge bamboo trees in her backyard, which she says she’s in a “war” with her neighbors about. They think they’re too tall, but Johnson, being the beautiful famous person she is, doesn’t want anyone peering into her home. “They can just shove it,” she says of her nosy neighbors, which is (again) relatable.
On the other hand, who can blame them? Johnson’s home seems like heaven, especially in these hellish times. We are all the nosy neighbors in this scenario, peering through the bamboo for a glimpse of a lovely, stress-free life.
