It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.
For today’s edition, we dug through Slate’s archives and unearthed questions sent to Prudie from the 1990s. We’ve asked today’s columnists to weigh in with modern-day sensibilities.
Dear Prudence,
I have a little problem with my current Significant Other. We are both nearing 30, are educated, have good jobs, are reasonably attractive and intelligent. Each day together (it’s been about 8 months now) has been wonderful and a many-splendored thing.
The problem? I find my partner’s politics reprehensible–in fact, stupid and barbaric. I haven’t strenuously objected to my love’s praise for people such as Tom DeLay and (I’m serious here) G. Gordon Liddy because of the terrific time we’re having and the incredible sex we share. But I’m at the breaking point. It is hard to foresee a future with a person whose philosophy is akin to that of a cryptofascist clown. How do I break the news and let both of us keep our dignity, even if (s)he is a troglodyte?
—Evolved in Santa Fe
Original Response:
Dear Ev,
Prudie can tell you are conflicted … but not very. Just tell the cryptofascist clown troglodyte, I mean, your Significant Other, au revoir. Prudie agrees that your deep disagreement about character evaluation is bound, in the long run, to sink your love boat. Sex may come and sex may go, but Tom DeLay is liable to be around forever.
Simply state your regret and wish him/her much happiness in the future. And perhaps the Young Democratic Club in Santa Fe might be worth a visit.
—Prudie, politically
From: Dear Prudence (Sept. 12, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Evolved in Santa Fe,
I hope this letter-writer took Previous Prudie’s advice and didn’t stick around to become one of those people who around 2017, started complaining that a partner with whom he had “a few political differences” had suddenly (shockingly!) become intolerable. I can offer the script designed to let both of them keep their dignity that wasn’t provided in the initial response: “There’s a lot I’ve enjoyed about you and our relationship but I’m realizing we have very different values that might ultimately make it hard for us to respect each other.” And if they accuse you of being wrongheaded, you can say, “Interesting, you never had a problem with that quality in politicians. Anyway, I wish you the best!” —Jenée
Dear Prudence,
Christmas was 25 days away when a fair number of my neighbors had already placed lights around their homes and fully decorated their trees. I like to think of myself as somewhat festive, but why has Christmas turned into a full-month affair? What can we do to keep this holiday from becoming the national bore?
—Scrooge
Original Response:
Dear Scrooge,
Reread your life story in A Christmas Carol. If you have no problem more serious than boredom with an excess of Christmas, you are fortunate indeed.
—Prudence, tolerantly
From: Dear Prudence (Dec. 20, 1997).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Scrooge,
“Reread your life story in A Christmas Carol”! Wow, I wish I’d written that line. My initial reaction to this letter is the same as Previous Prudie’s (“Who cares?” “Mind your own business,” “Find something better to worry about,” etc.) but I also have other thoughts.
1) Hello from the future where we now start hearing holiday music in stores the day before Halloween—you don’t know how good you have it, and 2) Are you OK? No, really, I mean it. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this but I know that when you’re dissatisfied with your life or really struggling with something, standing in the face of cheer can be unpleasant. The contrast between your mood and the mood that surrounds you just emphasizes how unhappy you are.
I remember at the start of 2020, I was going through a tough time. I was anxious, sad, and unsure of what my future would look like. And suddenly, when the pandemic began a few months into the year, so was everyone else. It became normal to be a bit depressed. I felt guilty for appreciating any part of such a tragic time, but I had to admit to myself that the country’s mood matching mine was a relief. So if, despite being “somewhat festive,” you’re struggling to feel authentically happy right now, I get it. I also get that you might cringe at a reminder that it’s time to start feeling bright and cheery earlier than expected. Being unable to access the positive vibes that surround you really is unpleasant. But please know you’re not alone. The next time you’re venting to a friend (I was going to say posting on social media, but you’re living in the pre-Facebook era), try replacing your “Christmas is becoming a national bore” rant with, “I have to admit I’m not feeling the holiday spirit yet and this time of year can be tough for me.” I think it will lead to a conversation that’s much more rewarding than posting on NextDoor (whoops, you don’t have that yet either!) getting your homeowner’s association to ban blowup lawn Santas before December 15th.—Jenée
Dear Prudence,
I need some ideas. I’m a 21-year-old man, and I just moved to a new city and a new job. I’m having difficulty meeting women. One might wonder how that’s possible, given the plethora of meeting places most big cities offer my age group, but my troubles are twofold. First, I don’t drink (don’t like the taste or the fuzzy-headedness), and second, I can’t stand loud music. (I don’t mind other people drinking, though–it’s not a moral thing.) And I tend to cough when confronted with cigarette smoke.
Anyway, I’ve tried bookstores without any luck, and the average patron’s age at the local dance studio is about twice mine. Churches and the like are out, too, since my atheism probably wouldn’t go over too well at such functions. Do you have any ideas for me? Do I have to start drinking, believing, and packing Advil for the music headaches?
—Clueless in the Capital
Original Response:
Dear Clue,
Do not start hitting the bottle, for starters. If the need arises to order a drink, try Prudie’s favorite: cranberry juice and soda, in a wine glass. Also hang in there with your boycott of deafness-inducing music. The only people you would find there, anyway, are those whose musical taste would clash with your own.
You also need not find religion, or feign it, to meet women. Simply get out and about. Try affinity groups, classes, volunteer groups of interest to you, singles’ nights at the supermarket, etc. And don’t neglect to put out the word to friends and co-workers that you’re available. A 21-year-old man who is a teetotaler and appreciator of good music sounds very desirable for a young woman of taste. And don’t dismiss the fact that the numbers are in your favor: Washington, D.C., has more women than men, for reasons unknown to Prudie. Good luck.
—Prudie, socially
From: Dear Prudence (Sept. 19, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
People really used to have to leave the house to meet someone. There was singles’ night at the supermarket (which actually sounds very fun). What a time. In this context, Previous Prudie’s advice covered most of what people could do before the existence of dating apps, short of putting an ad in the newspaper personals. I’d suggest one additional thing to the letter writer: Think about what you’re good at and/or what you love, and go do that. Put yourself in situations where you can shine. If you love Pilates (it’s the ‘90s! I think Pilates was all the rave) take a class, and maybe even train to be a teacher. If you’ve always been told you have an amazing sense of humor, join an improv group. If your career is where you thrive, go to networking events, get yourself onto some sort of board, or volunteer to speak at conferences. (To be clear on that last one: Be very careful not to sexually harass anyone who only wants a professional relationship with you! That’s the wrong thing to do and also tolerance for it is going to go way down in the next couple of decades.)
The idea is that when you’re doing what you’re great at, you’re going to be more confident and attractive. This will draw people to you much more effectively than white-knuckling it through a smoke-filled evening at a loud concert or dragging yourself to volunteer at the animal rescue solely to find a date, when you don’t even like dogs that much. As Previous Prudie said, you’re not going to find a great match doing something you hate. —Jenée
More Prudie From the 90s
Maybe you can help. My friend has loved the same person for over 20 years. While he has been and done so many things to end the relationship forever, she is so loving and forgiving. Now, the big one has happened. He took her car and has not been seen for four days now….
